Logical Letter to Santa

A few years ago, my brother and a friend of his wrote a letter to Santa.

This was not your ordinary letter. It was the original "Santa Letter from a Realist".

Their wit got me thinking. What would a logical letter to Santa look like?

My brother and I cowrote a letter.

Here it is.

Dear Santa,

Have you thought of outsourcing your delivery of gifts? There are much more efficient methods of delivery now than a sleigh and reindeer that never seem to age. Seriously, how old are they? USPS has flat rate boxes that work well. If it fits, it ships.

Speaking of shipping, do you ever screw up and accidentally deliver gifts to the wrong person? Oh and what do you do about communist countries such as North Korea or Cuba? Do they let you through immigration or deny you access?  Are you required to fill out customs declaration forms? Please tell me.

I would also like to ask if the world’s population nearing the 7 billion mark is a major concern to you? Will you be strained to get your job done in the given time frame with that ridiculous quantity of people to serve? Do the math.

In your opinion, is outsourcing the toy making to China and other countries wrong? Why do the toys that I supposedly got from you last Christmas say, “Made in China”. Are you deceiving the people of the world with your claims that the elves make the toys at the North Pole? I believe so.

Is it wrong to just ask you for money? I mean, America is in an economic recession now and some extra dough would definitely come in handy. Some people say it is rude, but I don't think so.

Do you have a contract with Betty Crocker? A lot of people buy her products simply to bake cookies for you. She is making a lot of money from your eating habits. Maybe you should negotiate a kickback program. Just saying. It could help reduce your travel expenses with the high prices of gas and all.

Speaking of high-priced gas, that is what I want for Christmas. An unlimited amount of gas. Maybe you could use some of your magical powers to make that happen. Then I could resell the gas for 100% profit to friends.

Also, are your reindeer’s emissions contributing to global warming? Are you working to make them more eco-friendly? When should we expect the début of Hybrid Rudolph? Ask Al Gore if you need ideas about this. Supposedly he has all the answers, but I'm sure you knew that already.

Here is my last question. How do you fit down the chimney? Seriously. I tried it once. The emergency room doctor looked at me like I was idiot. Please fill me in on your secrets.

Now for my wish list.

A puppy. I can't think of a better "gift" than something that will need me to clean up after it and cost me money in the future.

Don't forget the unlimited supply of free gas!


Bryan & Justin Clifton

Bryan Clifton

Oklahoma City, OK